It’s one of the most frightening things that have happened to me in a very long time. I was at Kohl’s the other day because I had a thirty percent off coupon. I wasn’t really looking for anything but, c’mon that coupon wasn’t going to use itself.
As I was ambling my way past the shoe section, I noticed a really nifty pair of…(gasp!) SLIPPERS! It was, in fact, at that exact moment that I feared that Father Time was getting larger and larger in my rearview mirror.
None of my friends wear slippers and not once has the word ‘slippers’ ever come up in even casual conversation…ever. “Hey, Smitty, come on over and let me show you my new slippers.” Um, no, never.
I needed a moment so I took a seat in the shoe section starring at those ankle high stocking type thingies that you’re supposed to put on before trying on shoes but hardly ever do. Then my mind flipped to how many people might actually use them and put them back in the box where the next unsuspecting shopper inadvertently puts them on only to have their foot shrivel up and decompose before their very eyes a few minutes later from all the bacteria!
It’s not that I have anything against slippers. My father-in-law wore them all the time, as he shuffled back and forth between the kitchen for prune juice and the bathroom to, um, get rid of his prune juice. But, he was ninety-six with Alzheimer’s. He got a pass. But, adding to my paranoia, I also realized that I’ve developed a fondness for Wheel of Fortune. This has, unfortunately, caused a major riff in my marriage. When it comes on, Michele let’s out a huge, unforgiving sigh and then closes her eyes, shakes her head and says, “Do we have to?” “Sweetheart, be quiet. I think he’s about ready to buy a vowel.”
By now, perspiration bubbles were starting to build up on my forehead and I found myself just starring at that Brannock device, wondering how long it takes for the employee responsible for measuring strangers’ feet all day to develop a severe drinking problem. But, sadly, I also wondered what color slippers I should get, brown or grey?
What happened to the time, anyway? One day you’re tossing your mortarboard in the air after graduating college and before you know it you’re spray painting a tennis ball lime green and gluing it to the roof of your car so you’ll be able to find it in the supermarket parking lot!
The reality is Father Time catches up to us but be brave and just know that when he does, there’s going to be a pair of slippers with our name on them, so slap ‘em on, wear them proudly and, for the last time, get off my lawn, you kids!