OOPS! SORRY, WRONG NUMBER

Well, there are wrong numbers and then there are WRONG NUMBERS!
We’ve all dialed wrong numbers before and when we do, we simply say, “Oh, terribly sorry…not looking for a tarot card reader, just a pepperoni pizza with some black olives and a smidgeon of anchovies. Must have the wrong number.”

Enter Eva…a sweet, elderly and very lucid woman in her mid 80’s. She lives with her daughter, Marta, and her son-in-law, Phil. Despite her many health issues, Eva is never without a smile and still possesses a wonderful zest for life. Like most woman her age, her stockings run up to her knees with one always a tad shorter than the other. She shuffles around in slippers with embroidered flowers on the toes and wears a house dress that runs to just about mid calf. This is to ensure that when she sits with her feet up, the top of her beige, knee length stockings can be seen visibly from anyone within thirty feet. It’s the law. Eva is also devoutly religious and won’t even pop a piece of Dentyne in her mouth without first saying grace. Oh, and Eva is 100% deaf.

“Hey, Bob, how does she use the phone?” Good question and I’m glad I’m here to answer it. She calls a service that will place calls for her. They, in turn, put a digital read out on her phone so she can follow the bouncing ball. However, like any piece of technology, this can have obvious drawbacks…like when a relative calls and asks for money. The old, “I can’t hear you, I’m deaf’ routine won’t work.

Eva calls a prayer hotline everyday to get her daily affirmation. It makes her feel safe, connected and loved. In early December, she called the hearing impaired service to put her through just like she’s done for years. She waited with much anticipation for the daily prayer to make it’s way across the screen. Eva has heard most of them before but they were all words of hope and encouragement and that was all that mattered.

On this particular morning, the words that Eva saw scroll across her screen didn’t seem like anything she had ever seen before. The message began, “Oooooh, I seem to have spilled something on my panties. I think I’m going to have to take them off.” Eva’s jaw dropped and her rosary fell from her hands. There was more to come. “Oh, that feels much better. Look, here comes my girlfriend, Diamond. I wonder how her tight, little sweater can hold those beautiful voluptuous…(Eva interrupting) “MARTA, COME OVER HERE!” Eva began to fidget and couldn’t imagine how this could possibly be part of a daily prayer. Her daughter assured her that it must be someone playing a joke, Marta’s husband, Phil, wanted to have a look see himself. He quickly moved Eva away from the phone and took her seat saying that he needed to examine it a bit more closely for about an hour or so. Well, with that little comment, Marta picked up a nearby wine bottle and flung it in the direction of Phil’s noggin. I’m sure, were it not for Phil’s extremely quick reflexes, he would still be being treated for head trauma right now in a nearby hospital.

No, Eva didn’t get her daily affirmation on this day, but, Phil, um, has apparently found religion himself and, calls that prayer hotline, at least once per day…for his mother-in-law, of course. As he was quick to point out, wrong numbers aren’t always a bad thing, but, still if those numbers aren’t stored in your phone, double check them, dial carefully and always beware of really tight sweaters.

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