Neighbors can be very funny, but sometimes not in a ‘ha-ha’ kind of way. It’s more like ‘they need to be institutionalized’ kind of way. My doorbell rang the other afternoon and it was my lovely neighbor. I greeted her in the cordial way I greet everyone with a ‘Hurry up, the game’s on.’ She was holding a split in two plastic flower pot, estimated value: $2.50. She asked me if it was mine. I thought something horrible happened like maybe the wind tossed it around and the jagged edges decapitated her cat. But, no, the wind simply knocked it off its stand and blew it into her yard.

Neighbor: Is this yours?

Bob:  Maybe. It looks like a split in two flower pot, right.

Neighbor: I didn’t want to throw it out myself.

Bob: Why not?

Neighbor: It’s not mine.

Bob: It’s a completely useless, cheap flower pot.

Neighbor: It was in my yard.

Bob: Are you aware that you’re certifiable?

Neighbors puzzle me. Now, call me crazy but if I found a split in two anything that the wind blew into my yard, I would probably just pick up the pieces and toss them in the dumpster. But that’s just me.  Keep in mind that this is the same neighbor who just a few short months ago, came over and handed me an empty Bud Light can. Quickly, what did she ask me at that time? Correct: “Is this yours?”  My jaw dropped then just as it did this time when she rudely interrupted me watching something on TV involving a ball, not sure what it was exactly, but there were men running around on a field in uniforms and they were spitting and that was good enough for me.

Her behavior is extremely puzzling to me. It’s not logical and in many ways it’s troubling. It’s kind of like the NY Giants fan who tells everyone, “Gee, I wonder who we’re going to play in the Super Bowl?”

Having once taken a psychology course in college, I remember stuff.  At least I think it was psychology because the professor had a penchant for flannel shirts, unwashed khaki’s and Birkenstocks. Wait a second…maybe it was a Philosophy course. But I still remember stuff.

Whenever someone continuously reacts in such a dysfunctional manner, I honestly want to gently place my hands on their shoulders, stare into their eyes and ask them at what tender age it was that they came home early from school and saw their mother exchanging ‘tubes’ with the TV repairman? It clearly must have been something equally as traumatic for someone to exhibit these behavioral abnormalities.

So, clearly their actions are suspect, if not downright perplexing. You know how you always see person on the street interviews on the news after someone commits some sort of heinous crime and everyone is just shocked saying things like, “He was a nice guy, I think. That forehead tattoo of Hannibal Lecter was pretty cool. Pretty quiet, kept to himself,” and “I don’t think he bathed very much and he did carry that bayonet everywhere but I, gee, I’m shocked!”   Yeah, well…Okay, now I’m freaking out. Oh my God, is that what I think it is? An empty Snicker’s wrapper just blew into her yard. I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well.


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