GOBLINS, MONSTERS & … TEE SHIRTS?

I remember trick or treating on Halloween and actually getting dressed up. Yeah, I know, what’s wrong with me? Today, I see more and more kids ringing my bell at the ungodly hour of 7:00PM sporting a tattered and torn, although highly stylish, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. tee shirt, a pair of heavily soiled Levi’s and toting a crumpled bag from Price Chopper to house your ill-gotten booty. Thanks for the effort.

Bob:  Well, what do we have here?

Bill:   I’m, um, Bill.

Bob:  I don’t recognize your costume. What are you?

Bill:   Um, I’m, like, Bill.

Bob:  Hang on a second Bill. We’ve got a little issue here. “Honey, have you seen that nasty Boa Constrictor?”

(SWOOSH!)

Bob:  Hey Bill, where are you…going?

Halloween was something special back in the day. We used to work on our costumes for weeks at a time. Mom’s would spend hours at the sewing machine and dad’s would take pictures and send them to all our relatives who would in turn, toss them in the nearest garbage on top of the coffee grinds. For two years in a row, I glued some dirt and a rosin bag to my face, put a prophylactic (stolen from my father’s top dresser drawer) on my nose and went as a rubber on the pitcher’s mound.

Kids, a little ingenuity, please. Jeans, a sweatshirt and doo rag aren’t going to pass muster anymore. If you want our Snickers bars and Peppermint Patties, you’ll need to bring your ‘A’ game. If you show up like Bill did, you’ll likely be handed this year’s boogie prize: a smear of 9 Lives Liver and Bacon on a Triscuit. We’ll have two bowls ready at the front door. We’ll inspect and then decide. Hey, even a Mike Pence wig with a bug on top would show more drive than a tee shirt you got by being the 9th caller to some radio station. At least that would probably net you a roll of Sweet Tarts. Come to think of it, a bug on Mike Pence’s head that’s holding a flyswatter would get you an extra Nestles Crunch bar.

After doing some research, I discovered that the concept of trick or treating dates back to the stone age. The candidates for elected office had one night, October 31st, to go around and knock on cave entrances and hawk their agendas. “If I get elected, I give bearskins to all.” They would then continue to bore the cave dwellers for hours about how they would put wooden clubs in everyone’s dwelling and also decrease taxes. The cave owner would then either agree to vote for them and indicate their trust by offering up a mouth-watering dinosaur testicle or show that they disagree by hitting them over the head repeatedly with a rock. And with that, the concept of ‘trick or treating’  was born. Yes, even back then, politicians were viewed a monsters.

One more thing, kids: please don’t try the old, “May I have one more for my sister who is too sick to go out?” By doing this, you’ll be providing us with an excellent opportunity to take from the dreaded Bowl #2. “Hey, mister, this smells like cat food.”

Happy Halloween!

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