DAMAGED FRUIT

I have been contacted by a concerned young father named Steve, who is also a member of the male persuasion. Steve brought to my attention a problem that’s becoming so rampant that unless something is done about it right now, many men will find themselves unable to re-produce or for that matter even have normal relations ever again. I’m sure the mere thought makes men cringe but something must be done about the current design of shopping carts! 

Steve says he placed his son, Joshua, in the shopping cart, legs facing him. As he was dutifully making his way down the aisles, out of nowhere there it came…WHACK! The flailing legs of an excited two-year old found their mark. “Bob, my little Joshua turned me from a baritone to a soprano with just one well-placed kick. I buckled, dropped the pickle jar and went down on my knees before collapsing into the fetal position. It certainly gave new meaning to the term, ‘clean up in isle 3!”

Through a flawed design in shopping carts, once the children are placed on the top shelf, they are facing their parents and as Steve painfully discovered it doesn’t take much to be dropped like a stone. Just who is the degenerate masochist who thought that having little thrashing legs pelting off your groin was a good idea? We must have a complete overhaul of the shopping cart design if men are to have any kind of a fighting chance.

All Steve and the other young fathers are asking is that the leg holes face the front. Turn the future midfielder around and let him kick the rutabaga, the brisket and the beer in the cart instead. Remember, he’s not partial. He’ll kick anything. This is a serious concern of families worldwide who may be wishing to someday expand their brood and it needs to be rectified immediately, and by immediately, I mean let’s not involve Congress.

Emergency rooms are packed with dads who won’t be walking upright for months and they’re understandably embarrassed to tell anyone how it happened. This is why it took courage for Steve to come forward. By the way, the correct medical term for this trauma to the nether regions is The Shopping Cart Salvo. 

Steve, I hope you get back on your feet real soon and without any permanent damage. Thank you for your note and I hope we’ve taken the first step to insuring a more man-friendly shopping cart in the not too distant future. I would also like to leave you with an appropriate sentiment I noticed on a new line of Hallmark Cards:

Get back to work soon;

We miss you in our hallowed halls; 

And we all feel terrible;

Your son kicked you in the…supermarket!

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