FIRE UP THE WEED WHACKER

Yes, it’s a difficult topic but, unfortunately, a necessary one and I think you know I’m talking about men’s facial grooming or lack thereof.  I’ve received several listener emails recently from woman asking me to address the issue.  Amber from Wappingers Falls writes:

“Bob, what is wrong with men? Do they not have mirrors?  How can someone not see that they have nose hairs flowing from the nostrils practically long enough to hop on and scale down from a burning building? Weed whacker please!”

“Amber, you make a very valid point and that’s the  precise reason I’ve written my new book, Bob’s Complete Guide to Men’s Grooming. Without giving too much away, in it you will learn that when boys of the male persuasion first notice that they’re developing even the slightest hint of facial hair, they try and enhance that look to impress girls. Some of them go so far as to massage the face to encourage growth. Some talk nicely to it and, yes, some even try to pull on it with tweezers in a feeble attempt to elongate the hair. It’s all very sad of course but at the tender age of 14 or so, they’ll do anything to increase their chances of getting laid. As they grow older, most men realize that follicle growth from nostrils long enough to, as you pointed out, hop on and climb, or ear hair that could easily grow a nice crop of potatoes is not socially acceptable. It would be on a par with, for instance, shopping at Walmart wearing pajamas, which one never sees.”

Becky from Lake Katrine says her husband is more concerned with properly grooming his nether regions than he is with his nose, ears or the back of his neck.  “It’s gross, Bob, and very counterintuitive. He’s all trimmed and spruced up below the belt but if he doesn’t do something with the forest he has from his facial appendages, I can’t bring myself perform on his other appendages.”

Becky, truth be told, I wrote this book with women like you in mind. The mere threat of, um, withholding services, should be enough to convince hubby to break out the sheers. You may want to drop a subtle hint and take him to Home Depot and chain him to a stantion in the lawn and garden equipment isle until he sees the light.

You may be asking, ‘Bob, what qualifies you to pen a book on men’s grooming? Let me explain. When I was 8 years old, I met our new neighbor, Mr. Sticken. He had nostril hair practically down to his chin. I later learned that he would occasionally wax it and try to pass it off as a moustache. That vision was disturbing to say the least. What made it even more frightening was the fact that it was tobacco stained from his 2 packs of Camels a day habit.  It took me three years before I could even look at a nose again. I think that qualifies me, no?

I often scratch my head wondering if men are just oblivious to the yardstick long tufts exploding from the nose and ears or do, they believe that it’s a macho thing like the equivalent of carving an Anheuser-Busch logo into their chest hair? Hint: It’s not.

Men, we are not trying to pick on you, merely attempting to guide you on the right path to proper grooming. And by doing so, you’ll actually be able to breathe and hear better. Pretty neat, huh? Next up: Bob’s Complete Guide to Male Toenail Maintenance.

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