PLEASE PASS THE PEPPER

I received an e-mail at the radio station the other day from a woman named Sandy who broke her own cardinal rule when she went on a date with a co-worker. She said she was immediately intrigued by Darrin for his unique ability to get food out of vending machines using a combination of paper clips, magnets and rubber bands. 

The date was progressing nicely although she wasn’t terribly thrilled with his choice of dining establishments. The crowning blow, however, came between bites of his Double Bacon Cheeseburger (complete with soft drink and antacid). He smiled, laid his hand on hers and blurted out those three words destined to kill a relationship of only two weeks:  ‘I love you!’ To make matters worse, now her hand was full of grease from his French fries. Yes, we’re sorry to say that Darrin had become the latest, but certainly not the last member of the dreaded “I Love You Too Soon Club (ILYTSC). She mentioned that she obviously didn’t respond in kind because she barely knows him and has never even seen him naked.

Why do men say ‘I love you’ too soon in a relationship? For the answer to that we sought out the expertise of Niles Fletcher. Niles calls himself the first cousin of psychoanalysis. We call him a bartender. He works at the infamous Rusty Tap and thinks Freud was cool but he’s still kind of freaked out by that whole Oedipus complex thing. Anyway, we asked Niles why it’s generally the man who offers up the premature ‘I love you.’ He told us that women, as a rule, do something called thinking before they speak; a concept still foreign to many men, especially inebriated ones. He continued, “The words ‘I love you’ can take on many meanings for men ranging from “Gosh, I sure would like to inspect the fruit that’s hiding so delicately beneath your sweater,” to “May I borrow seventy- five cents for the pool table. I called ‘next.’

Niles shocked us when he said that sometimes men say ‘I love you’ because they simply can’t think of anything else to say. Example:

Susan:  So, what’s new, Brad?

Brad:    I love you!

Susan:  Take me home now!

A better way to handle that, might be

Susan:  So, what’s new Brad?

Brad:    I had the flu last week but I didn’t throw up.

Susan:  My God, you’re strange.

See the improvement? 

Niles suggests that whenever guys get that ‘I love you’ moment in their head after four weeks of dating, it’s best for them to bite their lower lip, count to three and say, “Please pass the pepper.” In all his years of bartending, he can’t recall one instance where a relationship ended over pepper.

And, guys, as an extra added bonus, let me include Niles checklist. Please refer to this if YOU would like to someday be on the receiving end of an ‘I love you.’

1)  Do you drool?

2)  Do you adjust yourself and snort in crowded elevators?

3)  Do you EVER leave the house wearing sports jerseys of your favorite team?

4)  Have you burped the alphabet EVEN ONE TIME since you turned eighteen?

5)  Do you save haircuts for special occasions…like Thanksgiving?

If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of the above, you’re in serious danger of never hearing the words “I love you,’ from a woman or any other living thing, for that matter.

So, good luck guys and stay strong. Don’t end up being the next member of the ILYTSC. When you’re feeling weak and vulnerable, always try to remember, ‘please pass the pepper.’  

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