DEPT. OF CINEMATIC SECURITY

So, let me get this straight: A guy hides a box of potentially explosive Milk Duds in his Hanes Briefs. It goes undetected at the movie theatre and, as a result, he gets to waltz right in and see the movie of his choice with Non-Concession Stand Purchased Snacks (N.C.S.P.S.)? How can this happen in the year 2021?

Enter Billy Bob Smoot, the Head Ticket Taker (H.T.T.) at Sticky Floors Cinemas. “Nobody sneaks in nothing,” says the highly respected cinema employee. When I interviewed him, I reminded him of the double negative in his statement but he just scratched his head and instructed me to bend over and spread ’em.

Billy Bob’s record is spotless when it comes to Foreign Snack Detection (F.S.D.) “If that Snickers bar comes from CVS Pharmacy, I’ll snag it,” he said emphatically, adding, Besides, we don’t even sell no Snicker’s, I think.”

As cinemas begin to re-open, other chains are well aware that they’re going to have to shore up their F.S.D. Department. They claim to be doing their best to track down and prevent the N.C.S.P.S. from ever getting into the actual theatre, but still, to date, nobody can match the efficiency of Billy Bob Smoot at Sticky Floors.  

Will we soon be needing full body scan machines as we enter the movie area? Will we have to create a ‘movie watch’ list for repeat offenders? These are just some of the, as yet, unanswered questions. Interestingly enough, it’s the effortless way in which Billy Bob hones his craft that brings high praise from many in the business including Richard China, the former Head Ticket Taker H.T.T. at competing theatre, Reels, who claims Mr. Smoot just isn’t displaying the toughness needed for such a high-pressure job, he’s seems to have a sixth sense for detecting culinary contraband.

Mr. Smoot, not known for humility responded eloquently with, “Hey, nobody’s ever snuck in squat on my watch so shut up and bite me.” For the record, Billy Bob invites, in fact, challenges anyone to try and sneak in his theatre with any kind of edible or potable contraband. “I’ll find it, by golly. Even if it’s a single M&M stuck between the butt cheeks. “I’ll sniff it out, remove it and then stomp on it!”

Still, there remains a small segment of theatre goers that remains extremely annoyed by what they describe as a ‘tedious and pointless effort to eliminate harmless minutia while creating painfully long lines and broken spirits.’ They insist that as long as they feel safe and comfortable in the theatre and the previews don’t include anything with Borat or Adam Sandler, there shouldn’t be any concerns. However, this opinion is not shared by the majority of the cinema buffs in this country who feel that there are certain snacks when taken in combination, that pose a serious threat to anyone who steps inside a theatre, no matter where they were purchased. The prime example they are quick to point out is Milk Duds and Cherry Coke. There is overwhelming evidence that says Milk Duds consumed in large quantity over a short period of time, taken in conjunction with a product with such massive amounts of carbonation properties like a cherry Coke, can yield disastrous results for anyone sitting close by when the intestines erupt without warning. “Believe me, it’s not pretty and the last thing we need in this country is panic in a movie theatre,” says Mr. Smoot.

You should know that the tight security measures in place at Sticky Floors are the result of many grueling hours of Contraband Training (C.T.) that all ticket takers must endure. Each candidate works alongside a highly trained Raisinets sniffing canine, who won’t relent until every single nut is licked and devoured. 

So, as Mr. Smoot says, “Don’t be afraid to come to the theatre, unless you’re a contraband carrying goober! My name is Billy Bob Smoot and I wear a name tag!”

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