RETURN TO SENDER

For the last few years, I’ve been getting regular notices from companies thinking that I must be having trouble either performing sexually or losing my hair or having difficulty entering and exiting a bathtub. And although I found them invasive and disturbing at first, (how dare they question my sexual prowess), sadly I miss them because, apparently those days are over.  While opening my mail the other day, I went flush and possibly dribbled in my pants a bit when I read with horror what the sender, Global Burial Plots,  had just sent me. They claimed to have ‘an ideal location for my eternal rest.’  So, in a matter of weeks, I guess we have a new definition of the word ‘stiff.’

If memory serves correctly, I think I got my first mailing from AARP around the time that two fellows named Woodward and Bernstein were looking for a story and wondered if there may be some shenanigans going on at The Watergate Hotel.  I completely freaked. I  remember racing to the bathroom and checking the mirror for any stray grey hair. It would be the first of what would be about eight-thousand I get a week from them.  If you’re curious, yes, they do use the same marketing firm as Bed, Bath & Beyond.

These marketers are very sharp. They know that if they keep bombarding you with the same general literature,  it’s only a matter of time before you start questioning yourself. Once you do that, they’ve hooked you. Game over. You have fallen right into their spell. Just how good are they? Nine years ago, it seemed like every time I went to the mailbox, I had some version of a flyer from The Acme Window Cleaning Company. At first, I thought that was silly, I’m perfectly capable of cleaning my own windows, thank you very much. Then I realized,  ‘wait a minute,I don’t even have any windows.’ And, pay attention here: after a few more weeks and a dozen or so more mailings, full color and glossy, I might add, I felt I had no choice but to go out and buy some windows, just so they could come over and clean them! That’s very impressive. Take a bow, Acme Window Cleaning Company!

So, yes, I was mildly troubled by the whole Global Burial Plot thing, but I’ll survive…I hope. Often times extremely seasoned marketers can turn these things into self-fulling prophecies and I think you can see how that could spell doom for me in this case. No sir, I’m going  to stand strong on this one. After all, it’s only a silly piece of junk mail and I’m certainly not going to let it control me. I’m better than this, by golly and I’ll make up my own mind as to what I will and will not do. So there!  I only hope that you feel as in control of your life and as empowered as I do at this very moment.  Thank you for letting me share. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’ve got some prime below ground real estate to purchase.

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