RETURN TO SENDER

For the last few years, I’ve been getting regular notices from companies thinking that I must be having trouble either performing sexually or losing my hair or having difficulty entering and exiting a bathtub. Although I found them invasive and disturbing at first, (how dare they question my sexual prowess), sadly I miss them because, apparently, in their eyes, I’ve advanced to a new stage. While opening my mail the other day, I went flush and possibly dribbled in my pants a bit when I read with horror what the sender, Global Burial Plots,  had just sent me. They claimed to have ‘an ideal location for my eternal rest.’  So, in a matter of weeks, we clearly have a brand-new definition of the word ‘stiff.’

One of the most popular tricks they use is to start invading your mailbox long before you’ll ever actually need their services. That way, when the time comes, you’ll be all too familiar with their offerings. Pretty shady, huh? I think it was right around the time that two fellows named Woodward and Bernstein were looking for a story idea and wondered if there may be any shenanigans going on at The Watergate Hotel that I got my first mailing from AARP.  I raced to the bathroom and checked  the mirror for any stray grey hair, which was really weird because I was nine. I quickly found out that that mailing would be the first of what would be approximately  eight-thousand I would get weekly from them. And, yes, if you’re wondering, they do use the same marketing firm as Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Here’s the exclamation point: Nine years ago, it seemed like every time I went to the mailbox, I had some version of a flyer from The Acme Window Cleaning Company. At first, I thought how silly is that? I’m perfectly capable of cleaning my own windows, thank you very much. Then I realized,  ‘wait a minute,I don’t even have any windows.’ And, pay attention here: after a few more weeks and a dozen or so more mailings, full color and glossy, I might add, I felt I had no choice but to go out and buy some windows, just so I could get Acme to come over and clean them! Very impressive. Take a bow, Acme Window Cleaning Company!

So, yes, I was mildly troubled by the whole Global Burial Plot thing, but I’ll survive…I hope. As we have learned here extremely seasoned marketers can turn these things into self-fulling prophecies and I’m sure you can see how that could spell doom for me in this particular case. No sir, I’m going  to stand strong on this one. After all, it’s only a silly piece of junk mail and I’m certainly not going to let it control me. I’m better than this, by golly and I’ll make up my own mind as to what I will and will not do. So there!  I only hope that you, the reader,  feel as empowered and in control of your life as I do at this very moment.  Thank you for letting me share. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’ve got some prime subterranean real estate to purchase.

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