THE AIR FRYER

Good news. We finally got that air fryer I had no idea we either wanted or needed! Excellent. That was a conversation I simply can’t remember having with Michele. However, I’m pretty sure that not recalling a conversation about air fryers is far better than not recalling a chat about, how shall I say, more intimate subjects. “Sweetheart, just curious,  did we have…?”  (BOOM!)

Let’s forget for a moment the fact that in exactly one year, this ‘must-have ‘ kitchen appliance will take its rightful and permanent place in the back of the cabinet next to that indispensable juicer and the One Second Slicer, which slices everything from cucumbers and squash to fingers. Gauze sold separately.

The most important thing to do when getting an air fryer is to carefully read the instructions which are conveniently laid out in a 360-page manual (in multiple languages) complete with neat little stick figure drawings indicating what vital pieces you are very unlikely to ever actually use.

This particular model is a ‘Smart’ air fryer, but keep in mind that as with any ‘smart’ appliance or phone, it’s only as smart as the person using it. This is one of the main reasons that I was in trouble. I was determined not to let some hamburger maker outsmart me, by golly!

Before I got involved in the War and Peace length instructions, I paid close attention to how it was packaged because as we all know only too well, you can never put the pieces back exactly the same way that they were originally packaged. If, by some miracle, you’re able to put everything back the way it was, let the company know immediately and they’ll name a piece of Styrofoam after you.

Beware of the old ‘cooking times may vary’ line. That happens to be one of the understatements of the century. That’s right up there with ‘quick & easy clean-up.’  These particular instructions read cook hamburger patty 8 minutes per side. Yeah, that worked really well. When I went to flip it at the recommended time, what was just a few minutes ago, a fresh and appetizing hamburger patty, now more closely resembled a tiny piece of molten lava, only slightly less edible.

I strongly recommend looking at the FAQ section on the back of the pamphlet. In this section, you’ll see inquiries to questions you yourself may have been asking.

Q) How do I get the hamburgers I cook to look like the pictures on the flyer?

A) Simple:  just apply a healthy coat of shellac and spray with a light coat of lacquer. That ought to do it.

Q) Enclosed in the package, I found a 6-inch-long cylindrical device with a metal tip and graduated numbers running the length of the instrument. What is it and was it meant to be included?

A)  It’s a thermometer. Please send your unit back before somebody gets hurt.

Q) We’ve had our air fryer for 90 days now and have yet to use it. How long do we have to keep it on the counter before moving it to its forever home in the cabinet above the refrigerator?

A) Remember, a place for everything and everything in its place.

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