Kids, sit down, gather ‘round the fire, and let your Uncle Bob tell you a little story about the perils of loaning people money.
Money is a funny thing, kids. Either the possession of it or the absence of it can seriously heighten one’s sensitivities. You can loan someone clothes. You can loan someone lawnmowers. You can loan someone books. But when you loan money, the waters can get very murky.
(Tell us more, Uncle Bob)
A long time ago in a land far, far away, a young man, coincidentally by the name of Bob, was approached by his lovable but extremely lazy friend, Curt, who once again found himself in familiar territory: unemployed. Curt asked Bob for a loan of $950 so that he could purchase the perfect engagement ring for his girlfriend, Jayne. Now, unbeknownst to Curt, Jayne had been a very naughty girl, secretly sleeping with Curt’s alleged friend, Spike, for approximately ten months. Obviously, Bob was leery of loaning the money given the sexual proclivities of Jayne as well as the unforgiving naivete of Curt.
However, as much as Bob hated loaning money to a friend, he decided that it would be much easier to just go ahead and loan Curt the cash rather than have to explain why he wouldn’t. However, kids, Bob knew deep down that he would never see that money again and that bothered him. The way he figured it, Curt would eventually discover the truth about Jayne and Spike at which point he would take a pair of pruning shears to Spike’s private parts, thus rendering him a lengthy prison sentence at the end of which, repaying Bob would have totally evaporated from his mind.
(Go on, Uncle Bob)
Well, kids, fast forward 2 years: Curt and Jayne did, in fact, get married. Bob, who was now seething with resentment, served as Best Man and oddly enough, Spike, who was probably more familiar with Jayne’s, um, landscape than Curt was, served as one of the ushers. Not once had Curt even mentioned the loan, much less how he was planning on paying it back. The gears were swiftly turning in Bob’s beleaguered brain as to just how he was going to get even.
(How did he do it, Uncle Bob?)
Curt remained unemployed but was sure his big break was coming ‘any day now,’ at least that’s what the shaman (who charged him $20.00) at the county fair told him. But, kids, it wasn’t long after the nuptials that Jayne started throwing off some red flags. She died her hair, changed her perfume, and several times packed an overnight bag claiming very long lines at the supermarket! I suppose it was inevitable that Curt would eventually learn the truth about Spike and Jayne, and sadly also about Steve and Jayne as well as Bruce and Jayne. Yes, boys and girls, Jayne was what we called a little slut. Anyway, Curt w as so devastated learning the truth about his saucy little spouse that he did the unthinkable: he applied for a job to try and get his mind off the horrible hand he was dealt. He actually managed to land a job at a local coffee shop but was let go after just a couple of weeks for constantly misspelling customers’ names on their paper cups.
(What happened next, Uncle Bob?)
Great question. Curt went back to the 1st National Bank of Bob and asked his friend for another loan. This time it was $500.00 to cover most of his long-overdue bar bill at Harvey’s Hamburgers & Hootch, as well as make a nominal payment to his therapist. By now, Bob was boiling over with rage. He flatly refused, lecturing his friend that he needed to, once and for all, start taking responsibility for his actions.
(What did Curt do, Uncle Bob?)
He pleaded and begged and put his head on Bob’s shoulder blubbering like a baby whose mother just shut the TV off in the middle of Romper Room.
(Uncle Bob, then what?)
Bob, always a sucker for tears, gave in and loaned Curt the requested $500.00. He was so angry with himself that he went home and paced the floor all night, knowing what a big doofus he was and what a big mistake he had made. The next morning, he decided he’d been a pushover for far too long and was finally going to do something about it, so he went to the hardware store and found exactly what he was looking for right there on the shelf.
(What was it, Uncle Bob?)
Well, remember, kids, how Bob said he was going to get even?
(Yeah, we remember, Uncle Bob)
That morning when Bob got back from the store, he opened the liquor cabinet, had a couple of shots of Jamison, took a deep breath, and made the phone call to Curt. “Hi Curt,” Bob said, acting like nothing was bothering him. Curt told him that he was doing well and his divorce to Jayne was final. Bob told him that was great news and right at that moment…
(What Uncle Bob, tell us!)
Admiring his new purchase from the hardware store and with vengeance in his eyes, he nervously said to Curt, “Hey, buddy, why don’t you come over. I’d love to show you my new…pruning shears.
So, kids, Curt went over to Bob’s house unaware of the peril that lie ahead, and then sadly with one quick chop from Bob’s new purchase, he was rendered a soprano and watched in horror as his testicles fell to the floor. Yes, kids, Bob had gotten even. The end.
(Wow! Uncle Bob, neat. What’s a testicle?)
Another time, kids. Good night.