YOU SAY PASSIVE, I SAY AGGRESSIVE

There are two things I really hate: confrontation and warm beer. It’s the former, which we’ll deal with here. First of all, you need to know that I am a textbook example of passive-aggressive. I looked it up online and low and behold, there was a picture of me!  I make commitments and then weasel out of them at the last minute. This is not an admirable trait and something that future mates generally shy away from.

Passive-aggressive personalities do not like confrontation and we certainly don’t relish the thought of being honest. Yuk! Before Thanksgiving, my wife asked me if we were going to make our annual New Year’s Eve jaunt to Arthur Avenue in the Bronx? I answered, “Sure, honey, I’m looking forward to it.” As a result, we had sex. If I had responded, “No chance. The Bacala smells like sewage and the furry little rabbits hanging in the windows of the meat markets make me want to vomit,” we would have fought, said nasty things to each other, and thrown stuff that probably would have resulted in broken windows. Broken windows in the winter are no fun. So, by being passive-aggressive, we didn’t argue and the windows remain intact, keeping us warm and healthy. There are advantages to being a sniveling coward, such as I. Seriously, who doesn’t like having sex better than stepping in shards of broken glass?

 “Hey, Bob, what happens when Michele reminds you six weeks later and she really wants to go to Arthur Avenue?” In the past, I’ve ‘pulled a hamstring,’ or if I’m really feeling thespian, I’ll feign those achy bones scenario. You know the one: chills, weak all over, no appetite.  “How unfortunate, sweetheart. It looks like I’ve come down with the dreaded twenty-four-hour diphtheria. I better stay home, wrap myself in a shawl and watch football. Darnit.” Caution budding actors: this only works once!

Passive-aggressive people foolishly believe that if they ignore something long enough, it will just go away and they won’t have to deal with whatever the problem might be. This is why, a recent survey showed, that many more passive-aggressive people drool on their shoes than become rocket scientists. 

My suggestion, if you can stomach it, is to be honest upfront. I’m actually planning on trying that myself one of these days. It’s never too late to be rehabilitated. Make your intentions known from the beginning. It will make your life a whole lot easier. Don’t run from your obligations. Just man up and prepare yourself for the prospect of never having sex again and be sure to keep tweezers close by to pull the little pieces of glass from your feet.

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