ROOTING FOR CARLI

I recently ran into my friend Carli, whom I had not seen for several years. If memory serves correctly, it was probably around the time that Donald Trump glided down that escalator and exclaimed, “I’m running for President, homies!” Keeping in touch is not my strong suit.

Carli looked and felt great. She told me that she had dropped a ton of weight during the last couple of years all due to an earthshattering new diet program called ‘Putting the Fork Down. (PFD).

She looked fantastic and told me that she can now jump in a swimming pool without fear of totally emptying it. However, it turns out that she’s also lost several of her thin friends and couldn’t figure out why. Carli, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you but your ‘friends’ have been using you and it stinks! You have my permission right now to go spike their Latte Frappuccino with that stuff that floats when you open a can of broth.

Wouldn’t a staunch friend be thrilled that someone in their circle would be able to accomplish such a feat? Carli, these people are not your friends and they no longer have any use for you because now you look better than they do. What good are you to them now? You’re a threat to all of them. Well, maybe not Bridgette. She’s a walking, talking Barbie Doll. They were using you as an accessory to make them look better, but that accessory no longer works for them. These so-called friends are nothing but disingenuous predators. I told her that I know the type and exactly how they behave because I used to be shallow and insecure once myself. She nodded in agreement and said she remembered. Sometimes Carli can be a real jerk.

The shallow person will start out by paying you a few obligatory compliments, but before you can say ‘transparent sleazeball’ the conversation immediately turns back to them.

Example:

 “Carli, it’s amazing how the sagging skin from your matronly arms doesn’t drag on the ground anymore. OH, MY GAWD, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY NAILS! TAKE A LOOK AT THEM! I love the woman who did them and I didn’t pay full price because, it was like, my boyfriend changed the muffler on her father’s car and it was like, OH MY GAWD, for sure, let’s do it. By the way, how do you like MY SHOES?”

Carli’s ‘friends’ didn’t seem to mind when she scored higher on her SAT’S. They also seemed legitimately happy for her when she won that essay contest with a marvelous entry entitled, “Yes, I’m a virgin, but nothing’s permanent.” Why didn’t those accomplishments bother them? Because they’re shallow, that’s why. Things like high scores don’t matter to these people. You can’t see SAT scores. Perfectly applied makeup and no visible tan lines are what matter most to them.

Today, Carli can perform the near-impossible task of waltzing right by the KFC on Main Street without breaking a sweat. I’m rooting for you, girl. Keep me posted on your progress and don’t give in. And if you’re ever in the mood for a little fun, remember these important words: revenge is a dish best served with the fat from chicken broth. 

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