WANT A DATE? BREAK A LEG!

Eileen, a close friend of ours, made an errant turn while playing Twister and after a six-day wait in the emergency room, it was determined that she had, indeed, broken her foot. Eileen would like to remind everyone to exercise extreme caution while playing Twister, especially while naked… and alone.

She is now wearing what they call a walking air boot which comes with its own odometer. The first five miles she walks are free and after that, it’s ten dollars a mile. But the health care system in this country is not broken. Nothing to worry about.

Eileen learned something about this walking air boot: it draws wimpy men out of their pathetic little shells. She now believes a broken bone is far better than walking a puppy in the park when it comes to grabbing the attention of the opposite sex and it probably even surpasses winning a zillion dollars in the lottery. She swears she can’t go anywhere without men offering to help her. At Stop N’ Shop, they’re falling all over themselves to put food in her cart. Interestingly enough, these are the same disingenuous guys who wouldn’t give her the time of day before the Twister fiasco. Now, they’re asking her out to movies, dinner, and happy hours. Heck, she went to Home Depot to buy a door knob and one drooling construction worker started chatting her up and volunteered to build her a deck! Guys, please…take a cold shower. Pretend you’re sitting next to a naked Mitch McConnell in the sauna or if that doesn’t cool you off, imagine you’re getting a lap dance from Nancy Pelosi. Jeez! 

That gym rat whose best friend is a mirror was way too cool to acknowledge her existence before, all of a sudden is grunting, groaning, and sweating within inches of Eileen now. She can tell he’s just dying to start a meaningful conversation but all he’s been able to muster so far is, “Hey, you’ve got a really nice ra….I mean, um, how’s that tibia healing, anyway?”

What is wrong with you people? Eileen was the ideal date long before she broke her foot. Why did it take a compound fracture for you guys to develop a pulse? Were you intimidated by her? Maybe it’s because you thought (correctly) that she runs ten miles a day all while texting her stockbroker and composing Op-Ed pieces for the NY Times? But now that she’s ‘flawed,’ she’s somehow more approachable? Can you really be that insecure?

How about that overzealous stud at the liquor store? His tongue hanging down to his knees and pushing a shopping cart full of Jim Beam and Jack Daniel’s, he asked her if she needed help carrying her purchase to her car. I’m sure it would have meant more to her if she had bought more than ONE BOTTLE of Merlot!  Guys, control yourself, please. Eileen confided in me that although she thinks you are all acting like pre-pubescent fourth graders, she does kind of like the attention, but was quick to point out that you guys really have to step up your game.

The doctors say the walking boot will come off in two weeks but she’s seriously considering taking a ball peen hammer to her other foot just so she can keep it a little longer. It’s either that or she’ll just buy a puppy.

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