I WAS GOING TO INVITE YOU, BUT…

Is there anything more annoying than the guy who projectile sneezes into your coffee cup only to exclaim, “Whoa, that was a good one, huh?” Yes, there is something more annoying and that’s the person who gleefully declares, “I was going to invite you to my party, but…”

For some reason, I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. Not quite making the cut. At first, this bothered me. I couldn’t figure out why someone wouldn’t want lovable ol’ me to liven up their stodgy get-together. Do they think I’m going to bring little baggies and scoop all the avocado dip into my pockets? Do they think I’m going to have too much wine and go off on a tangent about the postseason ramifications of baseball’s designated hitter? I think I clean up pretty well. I trim my ear hair. I bathe regularly. More importantly, I know when to spill ice cubes down the pants of the guy who starts off every sentence with, “Well, Marjorie Taylor Greene says…”

I would be a valuable addition to any party. Besides, sometimes, as a special surprise, I bring my harmonica AND a six-pack of Meister Brau. So there!

If you’re not inviting someone to your tedious party, then SHUT UP! Does it make you feel better to ‘twist the knife?’ Interestingly enough, the person who has no problem letting you know that, for whatever reason, you are not invited, is ALWAYS the first in line pounding on your door come Girl Scout cookie time so their precious daughter can win a Jonas Brothers watch! 

The excuses I’ve been getting are priceless:

• I know you go to bed so early

• It was just for neighbors (I live across the street!)

• We are going to play naked Twister and I know how shy you are.

• It was only for my Twitter friends (What a great party that must have been. Totally 

   non-verbal. What a blast!)

Etiquette experts Conor McGregor, Will Smith and Art the Clown all agree on one thing: If you absolutely feel the need to let someone know that he is not on the invitation list, at least make him feel good about it by saying something like, “I was going to invite you but the party is only for Trekkies and I know you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing Spock ears.” We can live with that. So, I’m here to say to you, dear reader, if you’re having a party that you think needs a little extra pizzazz, I’ll be happy to lend my services. Contrary to what some sub-humanoids who live across the street from me named Lucy may think, I really do know how to work the room. I can chat about anything. I know who the President is and, if pressed, I’ll even engage you in conversation about NASA, although the whole astronauts peeing and floating thing kind of freaks me out. C’mon. I’m a seasoned party pro and I’d be a valuable asset to your little soiree. And, the best part: my harmonica is always within arm’s reach. Call me.

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