So, the other day, my wife, Michele, was on her laptop making the rounds stop when I heard a loud and rather excited, “OH MY GOD!” Not being in the same room, I thought that one of the cats must have dropped a major hairball in her Coke Zero or something. I was wrong. I went racing in wondering what was going on when she told me that her old boyfriend, Billy Lyons, wanted to be ‘friends’ with her on Facebook. “Sweetheart, was that really worthy of a glass-shattering ‘Oh My God?’ What’s the big deal,” I asked. “Oh my God, he was such a hunk! I could have just eaten him up,” she said. “Whoo… re-phrase, please!”
I was about ready to tell her that if my math was correct, when ‘ol heartthrob Billy was courting her, Ronald Reagan was spilling jellybeans all over the White House and the creator of Betamax was six! I managed, however, to take a deep breath, compose myself and respond like the mature adult I am by saying, “I BETCHA HE’S A POOPY HEAD AND WETS HIS BED!”I quickly realized I really should have taken an extra minute.
I was actually willing to let the whole thing go until she said, “WE WERE ENGAGED!” I shot back with, “YOU WERE 16! WHAT DID HE GIVE YOU, HIS CAPTAIN MARVELOUS SECRET DECODER RING?” Hang on…need a beer, be right back. How long have we been married and this is the first I’m even hearing about this guy to say nothing of you apparently swapping copious amounts of bodily fluids with him?” She did go on to make one minor correction: she told me that they were almost engaged. The word ‘almost’ makes a big difference to me here.
After seeing his picture, I wondered what he has that I didn’t. not. Okay, so he probably makes more money, has a full head of hair, and seems to be fairly well adjusted, but other than that, what are we talking about here?”
As it turns out Michele’s father never did like him because apparently, he drove a VW van with a cot in the back and he had hair that practically covered his ears! The shame! Truth be told, her father didn’t like me very much at first, either. After all, I played rock & roll on the radio and, early on insulted his favorite food, Broccoli Rabe, saying I’d rather eat a Brillo pad.
So, Michele, is there anything else you’d like to tell me at this time? Perhaps you augmented your college funds by servicing sailors? Former Russian spy? Advisor to Steve Bannon? Please, you can come clean. It’s okay, really it is.
By the way, honey, two can play this game: I was never the star of my college wrestling team. I was in charge of carrying the bucket they threw up in. Ha-Ha. So there!