HEY ERNIE, TIME TO GET UP!

TRYING TO PREPARE A HOUSE FOR SALE IS NOT AN EASY TASK. THERE ARE, HOWEVER, PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH THE PROCESS AND CLAIMED IT AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT. THERE’S A WORD THAT DESCRIBES THESE PEOPLE: DELUSIONAL. WE’RE FORTUNATE TO HAVE A GREAT AND EXPERIENCED REALTOR. I MIGHT ALSO SAY THAT SHE IS TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL, HELPFUL, FRIENDLY, COURTEOUS, OBEDIENT, BRAVE, CLEAN AND REVERANT, BUT I WON’T CAUSE THAT WOULD BE SILLY.

I HAVE NOTICED THROUGH THE YEARS THAT REALTORS EMOTIONS CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED AS FLUCTUATING WITH VERY HIGH EXPECTATIONS EARLY, THEN, WELL, NOT SO MUCH.

BELOW IS A SNAPSHOT OF THE REALTOR TIMELINE.

1ST VISIT: “THE HOUSE IS GORGEOUS. IT’S GOING TO SELL RIGHT AWAY.”
2ND VISIT: “IT’S STUNNING. WE’LL JUST NEED TO CHANGE A FEW LITTLE THINGS.”
3RD VISIT: “I’M BOOKING SOME SHOWINGS, BUT I CAN’T SHOW IT LIKE THIS.”
4TH VISIT: “HOW’S IT GOING ON THOSE CHANGES? WE’VE GOT TO HURRY.”
5TH VISIT: “OTHER HOUSES ARE SELLING. LET’S GO. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.”

I PERSONALLY HAVE DONE PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I CAN DO, THAT IS, WITHOUT HAVING TO DO ANY ACTUAL WORK, YOU UNDERSTAND.

AS A LIFELONG CHICAGO CUBS FAN, I’VE NEVER LOST FAITH IN MY CUBBIES NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEIR STENCH RIVELED THAT OF THE CHICAGO STOCKYARDS ON A 99 DEGREE HOT AUGUST DAY. THERE WAS ONE PLAYER, HOWEVER, WHO NEVER LET THE HARD TIMES GET TO HIM. HE WAS THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST (C’MON, GUYS, LET’S GO GET ‘EM. WE’RE ONLY 23 GAMES BELOW: 500!) ALWAYS HAD A SMILE ON HIS FACE AND KNOWN FOR HIS SAYING, ‘LET’S PLAY TWO.’ HIS NAME IS ERNIE BANKS, THE IRREPRESSIBLE MR. CUB AND I BRING THAT UP FOR A REASON…

EARLY IN MAY WHILE I WAS MOWING THE LAWN, I HAD A BRAINSTORM. I DECIDED TO TRY SOMETHING. I WAS GOING TO BURY MY PRIZED ERNIE BANKS BOBBLEHEAD DOLL IN THE FRONT YARD HOPING IT WOULD BRING US LUCK IN SELLING THE HOUSE. I WAS FULL OF HOPE FROM THAT MOMENT ON, JUST KNOWING THAT GREAT NEWS WAS WAITING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE. BUT…NO. THE DAYS AND WEEKS PASSED AND THE ONLY ACTIVITY ON THE PROPERTY WERE A FEW NASTY FINCHES POOPING ON THE ‘FOR SALE’ SIGN. AS OF THIS WRITING, THE HOUSE STILL SITS THERE, UNSOLD AND IT WOULD APPEAR THAT FOR THER FIRST TIME EVER, ERNIE MIGHT BE LETTING ME DOWN.

IT SADDENS ME TO SAY THAT ERNIE NEEDS TO BE REPLACED. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? AHHH, WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT IT! ENTER ST. JOSEPH, THE PATRON SAINT OF REALTORS. YES! AFTER CONDUCTING EXTENSIVE RESEARCH CONSISTING OF READING A SHORT ARTICLE IN THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER AND THEN PURCHASING A PLASTIC STATUE OR TEN BUCKS, I MADE THE HARD DECISION TO TAKE ERNIE OUT OF THE GAME. ST. JOSEPH NOW LIES WHERE ERNIE ONCE DID. ST. JOSEPH, SIR, IT’S IN YOUR PRECIOUS HANDS NOW. DO YOUR MAGIC OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU PATRONS DO. YOU’VE NO DOUBT NOTICED THAT I PLACED YOU UPSIDE DOWN. APPARENTLY, THIS WILL CAUSE YOU TO WORK MORE DILIGENTLY ON THE PROCESS. REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. IT WASN’T MY IDEA NOR IS IT MY GOAL TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT WE REALLY HAVE TO GET OUT FROM UNDER THIS MORTGAGE. I’M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND BEING HER PATRON SAINT OF REALTORS AND ALL. IT TURNS OUT THIS WAS NOT A JOB FOR A HALL OF GAME BASEBALL PLAYER, AFTER ALL. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER AND GONE WITH RELIGION RIGHT AWAY. ALWAYS THE BETTER BET. SORRY. ALL WE ASK IS THAT YOU DO YOUR BEST AND GET US OUT FROM UNDER, SO TO SPEAK. SIR, I’M NOT SURE IF YOU’VE EVER SHOVELED SHOW IN THE WINTER, BUT IT REALLY KIND OF SUCKS. ANYWAY, YOU ARE THE MAN SO HAVE AT IT, SAINT JOSEPH AND, BY THE WAY, REST ASSURED YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE MY VOTE FOR ‘MOST VALUABLE SAINT.’

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