HOW VERY S.A.D.

I’m sure you have all noticed a growing and disturbing trend in ‘fashion’ and I’m also quite sure you’ll agree it has to stop…right now. Yes, of course, you know I’m talking about couples dressing in matching outfits. This fashion faux pas is not acceptable on Halloween, much less any other day on the calendar. In the fashion world, this is known as Same Apparel Dressers or S.A.D. It’s also known as being from Ohio, but, in no way, am I trying to besmirch the fine residents of the Buckeye state, home to such breathtaking tourist attractions as The Fertilizer Museum and the unforgettable fifty-foot sculpture of Pete Rose made entirely from toenail clippings. Tip: see it at dusk with a picnic basket and a bottle of your favorite wine. Heaven on Earth, they say.

Why are we seeing more S.A.D.’s walking the streets this year than ever before? The only explanation world-renowned fashion designer Stella McCartney and Oliver, owner of Ollie’s Lightly Soiled Overalls had to offer was that, sadly, some people are born without the fashion gene. This would more than likely explain why they march through Walmart wearing matching spaghetti-stained sweat pants and crumpled up camouflage tee shirts.

Ladies, please imagine something for just a moment: Picture your man dressed in a pair of lime green polyester trousers (hiked up to an inch below his man boobs)  black socks, hushpuppies, and the obligatory floral print silk, short sleeve shirt made of colors that haven’t even been named yet. Got it? Okay. Do you say to yourself,  “Wow! That looks great. I think I’ll wear the same thing?” No, you probably don’t. And that’s because you’re not a S.A.D. What you are more likely to do is scratch your head and wonder when exactly it was that your husband turned into his grandfather. Yet, S.A.D’s continue to merrily waltz down the street, day in and day out, totally oblivious to the fact that men, women, children, and pets are hanging out of windows laughing at them.

I did some research on this disturbing fashion trend and discovered that of S.A.D. men:

78%    were beaten up repeatedly at recess

82%    remain virgins long after marriage vows

100%   were not Prom Kings

The results didn’t fare any better for S.A.D. women:

67% wrote term papers on the Dewey Decimal System.

86% sat up close so they could ‘chat’ with the bus driver.

56% put itching powder in the cheerleaders’ uniforms at least once.

Think for a moment of the poor children of S.A.D.’s. They are either going to grow up thinking that it’s perfectly acceptable to dress identical to their mate or they’re going to run away from home by the time they’re six and, thus, stand a good chance of being adopted by Angelina Jolie. Either way, they’re doomed.

What can you do to stop this repugnant and mystifying trend? You can join the Fashion Police, S.A.D. Division. Yes, the hours are long and the pay is short but you’ll get free coffee and donuts and you get to wear sunglasses and a whistle. How cool is that? You can stop offenders on the street, usher them into the alley, strip them naked, hand them a map of Ohio and send them on their way. It’s for their own good…and it’s the law!

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