MEMO TO STAFF: TIME TO COME CLEAN

Good morning, everyone. Thank you all most for being the truly dedicated professionals that you are.

I find myself forced to bring up an uncomfortable subject, one that I thought would never have to be mentioned ever again to anyone over the age of 10, but, sadly,  I was wrong.

The subject is bathing, and it’s something that we all need to strictly adhere to and stay on top of, especially now that we are all happily back together in our 7AM to 6PM home away from home known as our cubicle farm.

Since our return, I’ve noticed a good portion of your desk plants have wilted and many more look like they’re not far behind.  Some even appear to be trying to wiggle their little pots to the edge of the desks in an apparent attempt to make that long three-foot fall to the hard linoleum floor beneath, thus finding their eternal peace. Nobody wants a mass planticide. The optics are horrible. We’re all adults here so I’m puzzled as to how one is not aware that they’re taking on the aromatic similarity of a well-stocked compost pile?

 It’s also critically important to bring up the inherent danger one puts oneself in when attempting to mask the repugnant aroma caused by what we’ll just call, ‘bathing shyness.’ The pandemic has brought us many hardships but forgetting how to properly cleanse our bodies should not be one of them.  And, please know that anyone, even those with compromised olfactory senses can easily detect when someone tries the old excess deodorant cover-up (E.D.C.).  Not only does this little trick not solve the problem, but it also presents the real possibility of spontaneous combustion. I’m pretty sure I saw that on the Science channel one time.   To make matters worse, you might spontaneously combust before you’ve finished that big proposal you’re working on. Nobody needs that.

For your convenience, posted in both the Lad’s and Lassie’s rooms,  you’ll see a pictorial, frame-by-frame description depicting the proper way to bathe. Feel free to make a copy. I’ve also had what I consider to be an excellent idea of how to make the bathing process more tolerable for you. I ran it by those heartless, unemotional robot bastards in both HR as well as  Legal. As a result of those soul-sucking conversations, I have started drinking again.  However, leaders weren’t made to follow, so, with that, you will oeweverr, if you’ll keep this find a list posted in the breakroom of the employees who are willing to make arrangements to bathe with you if doing so would make you more comfortable. We’re a team here people. Let’s work together.

So, team, let’s all lather up and give it the old rub a Dub dub. Your co-workers as well as the office plants thank you.

***********************

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