WRONG SIDE, WRONG TIME

There are certain things in life you just don’t do. 

1)  Never change the seating arrangement in your dining room

2)  Never wash and rinse three kitchen utensils at the same time.

3)  Never sleep on your spouse’s side of the bed.

Michele and I spent the weekend at the gorgeous Poetry Ridge Bed and Breakfast in Greenfield, Massachusetts. After getting settled in our room, I did the unthinkable: I fell asleep on HER SIDE OF THE BED! Michele even brought it to my attention before I fell asleep. She tried to warn me. I told her I had no intention of sleeping there, I was just resting. I think my exact words were, “I have no….zzzzzzzzzzz.”

When I woke up in the morning, it was too late. The damage had been done. The only thing I could do was hope for the best and that maybe the Gods were forgiving realizing that I made a stupid mistake. Well, guess what? The Gods were not amused. In fact,  they were out to make an example of me.

Within five minutes of awakening, I fell in the shower, pulling the shower curtain down with me. By the way, I’m absolutely positive the guests in the next room were thrilled with the colorful language I summoned up, at full volume, from my days in the Navy.

When I told Errol and Mary, the owners, what I had done their faces became ashen, and they slowly backed away and wished me luck. Actually, I thought breakfast was going quite well, that is until I mistook the cayenne pepper for cinnamon. In fairness, those little plastic bottles look awfully similar and if you can’t read, like me, they can be tough to tell apart. As it turned out we were only getting started.

As the day progressed, I, in the following order, tripped on the carpet and in the process fell on their prized Golden Retriever, Misty. I got a speeding ticket on the turnpike and I suppose I didn’t help my cause by asking him, “Hey, is it the law for you guys to wear sunglasses 24/7?” I spilled a beer at dinner, dropped my wallet in the toilet and was called an ‘ungrateful American’ by a legless veteran wrapped in blankets on the street corner for only giving him a dollar. Why did all this happen? It happened because I threw caution to the wind and fell asleep on my wife’s side of the bed. 

We have since received a phone call from Errol and he gave us some great news.  First of all, the cayenne pepper has been removed from the breakfast table and the best news of all is that they have now put up signs in all the rooms stating, “Please sleep on the side of the bed you are accustomed to sleeping on. Our dog wants to live a long and healthy life. Thank you, The Management.”

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